Nonsense
Stop the presses! Take the phone off the hook! Monday January 23 2023 big catastrophic news
broke into our lives, and it will change us forever. If you haven’t heard it yet, sit down and grip
onto something firm; the M&M’s candy mascots have been canceled. I don’t think I’ve ever
been triggered this hard in my life, this is a devastating cataclysm I’m not sure I’ll recover
from. My friends called me, crying because they couldn’t believe Tucker Carlson put our
beautiful, precious, androgynous M&M cartoons out of work. How are they supposed to
make ends meet in this economy? COMMERCE WAS ALL THEY HAD!
Already they’ve had to put up with so much abuse; when green wore different shoes because
her feet hurt and people kept objectifying her, a petition to “keep the green M&M sexy” got
over 20,000 signatures. Cancel culture is a real scourge on our modern society, you can be the
target of vitriolic attacks by conservatives for not wearing the right shoes or even dress, as our
friend Minnie Mouse found out when she wore a pantsuit for Disneyland Paris’ 30th
anniversary and Fox News viewers went absolutely bananas. She drew so much ire for having
the temerity not to wear a dress, I can’t wait for 1920 when women finally get the right to vote.
It’s quite incredible how the anthropomorphic chocolate candies are internationally recognized
from Korea to South Africa, with no complaints from any of those countries about the
“woke” agenda pushed by the “radical left,” and yet because of a couple herberts on social
media, incensed by right-wing punditry, they managed to get Maya Rudolph appointed as the
new face of M&M’s. Thousands debased themselves in their ravings by declaiming they
couldn’t masturbate to a piece of chocolate wearing sneakers, so she had to wear heels instead.
If only Mars Incorporated had kept their cool, they had almost weathered the storm when
they decided to make this announcement, now they have all this publicity on them again, I’m
sure that’s not what they wanted…
Januray 26 2023